When It Ends Even Before It Begins

"Do you understand now?Do you understand why we can't be together?"

I felt your slightly calloused fingers graze my cheek as you lifted my head and made me look at you.Your eyes were searching for an affirmation;you were waiting for me to nod and say that I have fully comprehended everything you have told me,and I was ready to come to terms with it-of what we are,what we can,and what we can't ever be.But you never got your nod.You never got your yes.You never got a response...or to be more exact,you never got the response you were expecting.

I withdrew my gaze from yours because your pleading eyes were asking for something I couldn't give.It was asking me to let this go-to let you go-and I'm not prepared to do that.I can never will myself to do that because every fiber of my being refuses to.

I just simply can't.

I just simply don't want to.

Not now when you've already told me that you have feelings for me too.


You like me.I like you.Why isn't that an enough reason for us to atleast try and see where this relationship might go?I don't care about your issues.I don't care about how flawed you think you are.I don't care about your dark past.You've already unfolded yourself to me.You've introduced me to all your demons which you thought would send me running to the hills.However, my feet are permanently glued to the floor.Your demons didn't scare me away.Infact,they made me want you more.


Maybe my rationality is skewed.Maybe this is my Savior complex talking.Maybe I have a passion for being miserable that's why I gravitate towards you all the more whenever you open your personal Pandora's box and introduce me to monsters that have been controlling you for the past 19 years.

I don't really have a clear cut reason why I'm choosing to stay or why I have this overwhelming desire to take care of you.I just want to.I just choose to.This is just one of those things that goes beyond the bounds of reason;a phenomenon that no words can be weaved together to construct an answer for.It is much like a gut feeling although this one is dictated by a much powerful force-a booming voice inside my heart which never gets tired of telling me to choose you,to hold you,to stay with you...even if I know you don't want me to.I think the real reason why you think we can never be together is that you don't want me enough.You don't like me enough to try to get rid of those demons.You don't like me enough to try to be better.And so you took the easy path by attempting to scare me with all your emotional baggage hoping that the burden to bear of being with someone who's too emotionally fucked-up would be enough of an incentive for me to leave.


But guess what?I'm staying.


I'm staying beside you whether or not I gain anything out of whatever relationship that exists between us.I'm going to like you for as long as I can,and as long as I want to.I'm going to make you rethink your decision of ending something that hasn't even began-something that could not have been flawless nor perfect,but it still would've been beautiful in it's own broken way.

So I apologize for being stubborn, for being too resilient, for being assertive and aggressive about this.I'm sorry that I can't do what you want me to do and I'm sorry that I will never understand what you want me to. I have a couple more things to be sorry for but never would I apologize for what I'm choosing to do now. And that choice is to let myself like you and let myself act on those feelings whether I get anything out of it or not.