Deja Vu

I told them

I told them I would be more resilient this time

That I would be able to hold my ground

That I would keep my indifference

I told myself

I told myself that I am over it

That I have forgiven myself for loving you

That I have come to terms with reality

I told you

I told you I am doing fine

That I can wear a genuine smile now

That I can sleep at night without crying

But after we parted ways

And my car still smelt of your perfume

And the warmth of your touch still lingered on my cheek

I realized that I lied

I lied to them

I lied when I told them my guard was up

I can never shut you out

I can never not be vulnerable with you

I lied to myself

I lied when I said I've moved on

I have not forgotten about you

I have not rid of my feelings for you

I lied to you 

I lied when I said I am content now

I still want more

I still want you

And now I'm back in my bed,writing poetry

Romanticizing regrets and lies

Dwelling on memories

Dragging myself back to square one