The Girl Who No One Ever Knew
The Girl never thought that her life would play out this way; that things would suddenly seem inevitable and chaotic, and that the world that she had grown accustomed to would morph into an unfamiliar reality. She expeditiously lost her rule over the things that were crucial to keeping her sanity. The Girl felt like a helpless puppeteer who can do nothing but watch and wait as the strings of her 20-year-old marionette, the Horcrux she shared to the public, whipped freely in the air.
The girl was free. And she loathed every bit of it.
She felt suffocated by the newfound liberty she was experiencing. Sure, she has lusted after it for years. She wasn't immune to the rebellious phase that every human being goes through after all. But she did not know that it came with a price—her vulnerability.
The Girl was a bud of pure and sacred passion protected by layers of ego, control, faux perfection, anger, frustration, and fear. She was like morning dew enclosed in diamond; like butterfly's wings covered in concrete. She was every bit fragile but no one ever knew. No one ever knew because she did not want them to know. She did not want them to know because she knew she had no reason to be fragile.
She thought she had no reason to be fragile.
The Girl was blessed beyond belief. She grew up in a conservative household with loving parents who provided her everything that she needed and more. She never lacked in material things and emotional support. Her parents became a tad too supportive at times, but she knew she did not have a right to complain. Some kids would kill to be in her shoes so she should show nothing other than gratitude. The Girl has learned at such a young age that when life has been handed to you in a silver platter, you have to meet expectations that the world has set upon you. Winning the birth lottery meant you have no space for mistakes. You always have to deliver and deliver spectacularly.
The Girl was the stereotypical Catholic schoolgirl: straight-laced, straight-As, always on the straight and narrow. She religiously followed rules and had high respect for authority. She wore her hair neat,and her uniform tidy and crisp. She enrolled herself in extra-curricular activities to help herself and did charity work to help others. She allotted time for everything but herself. After all, internalization had no merit. She also did not need it anyway since she already knew what kind of person she was, and what her purpose was. The world she has been living-in had all these things written in bold letters for her to see and believe ever since she reached the age of consciousness. And she had no reason to doubt it. The world has been very good to her anyway.
And so The Girl continued to eat and breathe expectations. She learned to live with tall demands. She learned to work with high standards. She learned to love pressure. And when The Girl failed to deliver, she learned to rationalize her incapacity with six little words: I am just not good enough.
It was the truth of reality. She can not always be the best in everything, but she knew she should be because she had all the reasons and all the agencies to be. There were people who needed her to function according to the good fortune the world has provided to her. She should attain perfection. She must become perfect.
Perfection has been The Girl's driving force throughout her life. She learned that to be the epitome of society's perfect girl, she should adhere to their standards. She must learn how to balance feminism with the Words of the Bible. She must learn how to keep herself intact when everyone expects her to break-down. She must be logical at all times, but still express sympathy when needed. She must exceed the traditional expectations of being a woman, but still behave like Maria Clara or Jackie Kennedy. She must love art and music, but prioritize the sciences better. She must look thin even though genetically it was impossible for her to be one. She must retain some curves, but still fit in all of the sizes available in stores. She must not wear make-up too much, but still fix herself before entertaining anyone.
She had learned to do these things because she knew she should. And now that she has grown accustomed to this way of life, her liberty is demanding that she let go of it.
The Girl's liberty forced her to look in the mirror and see that her mask was deteriorating. It was time to let go of the notion of perfection. It was time to celebrate what was hidden for years: the beauty of vulnerability.
The Girl is not as ecstatic as to how she is supposed to be with this transformation but she's learning to cope with it. She's slowly breaking-out from the shadows of control. She might not be ready now, but there would come a time when the world will finally see The Girl Who No One Ever Knew.
inspired by Azylla De Leon's “The Girl Who Was Never Good Enough”
She felt suffocated by the newfound liberty she was experiencing. Sure, she has lusted after it for years. She wasn't immune to the rebellious phase that every human being goes through after all. But she did not know that it came with a price—her vulnerability.
The Girl was a bud of pure and sacred passion protected by layers of ego, control, faux perfection, anger, frustration, and fear. She was like morning dew enclosed in diamond; like butterfly's wings covered in concrete. She was every bit fragile but no one ever knew. No one ever knew because she did not want them to know. She did not want them to know because she knew she had no reason to be fragile.
She thought she had no reason to be fragile.
The Girl was blessed beyond belief. She grew up in a conservative household with loving parents who provided her everything that she needed and more. She never lacked in material things and emotional support. Her parents became a tad too supportive at times, but she knew she did not have a right to complain. Some kids would kill to be in her shoes so she should show nothing other than gratitude. The Girl has learned at such a young age that when life has been handed to you in a silver platter, you have to meet expectations that the world has set upon you. Winning the birth lottery meant you have no space for mistakes. You always have to deliver and deliver spectacularly.
The Girl was the stereotypical Catholic schoolgirl: straight-laced, straight-As, always on the straight and narrow. She religiously followed rules and had high respect for authority. She wore her hair neat,and her uniform tidy and crisp. She enrolled herself in extra-curricular activities to help herself and did charity work to help others. She allotted time for everything but herself. After all, internalization had no merit. She also did not need it anyway since she already knew what kind of person she was, and what her purpose was. The world she has been living-in had all these things written in bold letters for her to see and believe ever since she reached the age of consciousness. And she had no reason to doubt it. The world has been very good to her anyway.
And so The Girl continued to eat and breathe expectations. She learned to live with tall demands. She learned to work with high standards. She learned to love pressure. And when The Girl failed to deliver, she learned to rationalize her incapacity with six little words: I am just not good enough.
It was the truth of reality. She can not always be the best in everything, but she knew she should be because she had all the reasons and all the agencies to be. There were people who needed her to function according to the good fortune the world has provided to her. She should attain perfection. She must become perfect.
Perfection has been The Girl's driving force throughout her life. She learned that to be the epitome of society's perfect girl, she should adhere to their standards. She must learn how to balance feminism with the Words of the Bible. She must learn how to keep herself intact when everyone expects her to break-down. She must be logical at all times, but still express sympathy when needed. She must exceed the traditional expectations of being a woman, but still behave like Maria Clara or Jackie Kennedy. She must love art and music, but prioritize the sciences better. She must look thin even though genetically it was impossible for her to be one. She must retain some curves, but still fit in all of the sizes available in stores. She must not wear make-up too much, but still fix herself before entertaining anyone.
She had learned to do these things because she knew she should. And now that she has grown accustomed to this way of life, her liberty is demanding that she let go of it.
The Girl's liberty forced her to look in the mirror and see that her mask was deteriorating. It was time to let go of the notion of perfection. It was time to celebrate what was hidden for years: the beauty of vulnerability.
The Girl is not as ecstatic as to how she is supposed to be with this transformation but she's learning to cope with it. She's slowly breaking-out from the shadows of control. She might not be ready now, but there would come a time when the world will finally see The Girl Who No One Ever Knew.
inspired by Azylla De Leon's “The Girl Who Was Never Good Enough”
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