Pills and Potions
Wreck your brain to find the right dosage
—no one’s watching, you can stop pretending;
0.25,0.5
just take the entire goddamn pack and swallow it all
gasp and cry a little
bid farewell to the daylight one last time
Stop—
it wasn’t supposed to end like this,
redo.
Dial the number,
who was it? Who did you put as an emergency contact?
Oh crap, your parents will know.
Abort mission, find someone
—the air is getting thicker and the world is in vignette,
oh is that him? That’s the number.
Will he pick up? I should press—
no, it sounds desperate—-
next.
Laugh and cry, the despair is ending
Is it though, you pathetic drama queen
always asking for attention
playing the victim
nothing’s wrong with you
ungratefulness is the right diagnosis
—rise and fall. Inhale...oh that’s difficult.
Purge.
Run to the toilet once more and bury your shame
in that cold white bowl you’re so familiar with.
Gag
—funny how you boasted you did not have that reflex when you tried to book your relief for the night;
but what they didn’t know was you just knew how to control it.
Ah control.
Purge.
Control, your goddamn favorite word.
Pathetic how you smothered yourself with your own obsession of taking “calculated risks”,
and treated everyone else like your personal marionettes.
Purge?
Maybe you were right to end things this way.
Take destiny at its throat
chokehold it and show it who’s boss.
Things aren’t moving as quickly as they should
Hurry, before they see
open the medicine cabinet and feel for that cold sharp steel
—ah yes, how juvenile it is to use a .50 centavo weapon to write your own demise—
make it dance on the paleness of your wrist
Vertical lines, make it parallel to the blue of your veins
this way it cannot be undone
Do it slowly
make it deep
put more pressure for better results
Drip
First blood, literally
and now it’s gushing
turn on the faucet and let the warm water fill your bath
step in and contemplate
for the last time, you’re marinating in your own filth.
Ah, how poetic.
This is ugly.
Even the way you’ve written it in your mind is ugly.
But this time around, it honestly doesn’t matter
because this time
you are your only audience
you are the only important person to please.
And you are pleased,
and finally at peace.
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